Tired of...

Everything!!!!! Nothing go smooth in life.. Tired with the struggling.. Tired with the tightness.. Tired with the stagnant.. Tired with the complain.. Tired with the changes.. Tired with the failure.. Tired with the happiness.. Tired with the worried.. Tired tired tired!!!!! Can I run away from everything and just be alone in elsewhere? Can I can I can I?????? Aaaaaaarrrrrgggghh... 

Just not as tough as I thought I am... 

An oppurtunity

A chance to have a change in work, in life.. Chance given, will I shine like a diamond? I got no confident at all, keep having the screw up mindset.. I guess the schlumberger interview really killed my confident, my ego.. 

Whatever..

It's not that I'm counting the small money but i only have rm350 for my food n entertainments for a month yet now u slowly eating that up too... It's not that I want to count small money with u but why today?? Why must it be today that make me think that is over limit, ridiculous, unforgivable?? I'm just hoping for a simple life.. Not a luxury one.. I can survive with AFA.. I can carry a no brand bag.. I can work extra hours plus tuition.. I can exhaust myself till mentally n physically breakdown just to make your life easy.. I know u will do the same.. But I just don't understand how u do, what u do and what u trying to do.. When u crying to me n ask for freedom, actually I'm doing to same deep in my heart.. 

Do not tell me life is like that one ma cause if it is, I think life is bullshit.. I rather eat shit everyday.. 

快回来吧..

这几天在发春啊... Lol..
开始不明白自己的心了...
是动了真情或是单身太久了呢？
宝贝，再这样下去，我就会失去你了..
失去想你的资格，失去爱你的欲望..
理智告诉自己那是不可能，但总是克制不了自己的眼睛去注意他，控制不了自己的心不去想他...

宝贝，我仍然希望会是你..
告诉我，能吗？你我有个共识吗？

neh, i don really care..

attitude....

this is my new attitude..

neh, i dont care..

yeah, i may made mistake and u choose to be angry...

i think i do talk to u softly for few times...

and still u cant open up your heart and mind,

then i'll have to say :

neh, i dont really care...

although i do very care, but i will learn to have this kind of attitude now..

neh, i dont really care..

awaiting...

awaiting for the day u are back..

end up giving a chance to break down my emotion.

i don't know what am i holding on or waiting for.
it seem to be i got nothing to hold other than stupid memory.
it seems like im waiting for nothing as u never care.

i cant hold this anymore..
it is impossible for me to smile everyday yet bleeding deep inside when im alone or day dreaming.
i cant hold myself anymore...

宝贝，你还是那个宝贝吗????

预告.....

梦境又给我预告了........
又是一段没结果的暗恋....

梦神,
可以不要一次又一次的打碎我的梦吗??
可以不要让我如此的甜蜜沉醉在睡梦中吗??
可以让我真真实实的拥抱他吗??

这心动真的是得来不易啊....
但有时我会想, 您是在解救我, 避免我调入火坑吗??
我不懂...
但如此甜蜜的梦, 我希望会实现........

this is what he post...

My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping they are more brave than I am...




he is flirting on someone......... 

just a passer by.. come and go~~

i don't hate u.. because i know the existence of hate is because there is love..
i don't want to have that kind of feeling towards u anymore..
i may not deserve someone like you or better than u,
but at least i think i deserve someone that is serious with me.
'letting go something that i'm not holding ain't difficult' is what i keep telling myself.
i just need some times, social life, keep myself busy and non stop distraction.
yesterday i watched back the video, and i miss your arm..
it's sad that everything is just a memory now..

宝贝.... this is the last time i use this words....... for u...

i really hate mind game..
i dont like courting game..
lets make thing easy...
just bloody hell tell me how u feel towards me, and u may get me..
even if is not, we can still be friend.. awkward?? definitely no..
is just that easy..

love and hate.

who are u??
what are u to make me love and hate u at the same time??
why after u did those thing on me and just left like this??
how u manage to open the lock in my heart and left me miserable?
its not that i never try one sided love before, but why this time i felt more suffer than before?
why i miss u more than others?
why even when i'm smiling and laughing yet deep inside me is crying??
why i will just stare at things and just day dream about u?
why i feel something is missing when i see the bar?


宝贝, is what u used to call me..
我怕我会爱上你, is what u said to me..
我永远记得, is what u told me..
那, 我是你的什么, is what u ask me..

宝贝, 你怕你会爱上我, 但我已不知觉得动了情..
宝贝, 我希望永远与你度过你记得的那一天..
宝贝, 我要你是我的宝贝...........

但宝贝永远都不会知道惟有他是我的宝贝..... 宝贝, 这名词, 就只属于你...


i hate u.. for silently enter my world and grandly leave your shadow behind..
i hate u.. for leaving the doubt and coldness to me..
i hate u.. for being the key to open it, and left without locking it..


i hate myself for discovered it too late. .
i hate myself for not spending enough time with u..
i hate myself for loving and missing u...


again, i need to bury the love and search for a new one..
why, i always fall for the impossible one??

its 4am!!!!

oh god... almost 4am now and im still awake, blogging.. 

i think i had reach the maximum limit of exhaustion till cant sleep now.. do u ever has this kind of experience? 

i wonder why am i pushing myself so hard everyday.. what am i proving? who am i showing? 

more than 3 weeks i had not really sit down, relax my mind with a cup of hot chocolate..  exclude cherating.. haha.. 

i miss the day that i can sit in starbucks and read my novel with the hot chocolate.. 

awaiting the day to come.. 

where r u???

i want to be pamper by u,,

i want to be nag by you..

i want to be care by u..

i want to be scold by u..

i want to be held in your arms..

i will really love u if there is a U....

with a tight hold and hug that i will never let go..

where are u???

my vanness....

lol..

部落客的用途。。。

在这里写的种种，是在提醒我自己什么该做，什么不该做；什么我想怀念，什么我想遗忘....

每一天我重复看了那post，不停的告诉自己放弃与遗忘， 但事与愿违啊~~~

感觉这玩意儿真的很绝妙，为何来得快，去得慢呢?

想念你的我在那彷徨无助的待着， 哪儿都去不了了........

我想亲爱的，你过得怎么样？？

不可投入的这段的感情

这是段不可投入的感情，一旦投入了，就注定了我会是永远的输家， 永远得忍受与另个人分享.......

我可以大方与大家分享你的一切，唯独那最宝贵的内心必需唯我独尊... 我不专制， 但我要求一心一意... 我知道， 我要求了个不可能的任务 ...


所以，我退缩， 因为这爱情游戏，我玩不起，也输不起....

我惟有远远的望着你，或许目前会渴望着你，但我会压抑，压抑着对你的好奇心，压抑着对你崇拜与爱慕，静静的在一旁等感觉的消失，再去寻找属于我的幸福...

不过， 我想我想你............

drink drank drunk.

there must be something wrong with me? i feel like want to drink alcohol every single day.. why? is it i refuse to be so conscious in life? is it a way for me to escape from reality? i don't know.. i only know i got deadline to cross, i got financial burden to hold.. lol.

i want~~~

i want to cut my hair short.

i want to sleep for more than 12 hours..

i want to drink drank drunk..

i want to go holiday..

i want to quit my job..

i want to get a tattoo..

no matter how hard i want those thing, the very first thing on the 'i want' list is:

i want my butt to stop the stupid pain!!!

ass hole, why are u so pain????

anyway, this is the kind of tattoo that i want. my love, treble.. =)

'Happy' Chinese New Year

阿公,

新年快乐... 没有您的新年, 似乎也失去了传统....
我们..... 没回去跟阿嫲吃团年饭...
您不在的第一年, 已经如此了, 接下去我真的不知道该怎么办...

阿公,

我很想念您.. 从此以后就没得向您贺声恭喜发财, 身体健康, 没得从您手中得到祝福...

New Year Tradition

i think this had become the new year tradition of my life.. this is the third time if not mistaken.. i dont like it but i need to get use to it..

===========================================

unable to let go the devil in you will only make you blind folded and bury the love. the devil has slowly make you lose your pride and love one.. it's pity..

u chose to walk towards devil, refuse to trust your love one, fall into the trap set by devil, losing your love one.. be blinded by your ears and slowly losing your heart, worth it?

if...... if that is so important to you, i can only say.... let it be~~~

anyhow i'm closing my eyes, ears, and heart.. i'm trying to live a no regret life, as for u, i don't know but i pray for u to have the same as mine..

============================================

阿公,

一个月了, 今天就是一个月了. 新的一年又来了, 与以往一样过了个XX的新年..
阿公, 您呢? 有遇见怡保阿姨吗?

依然是念着你, 好像要把你藏起来是件不容易的事..
带着您留下的手表, 看着那时间, 尽量把握时间, 为你而过, 为你而活....

您呢? 是否听见我的祈祷呢?


燕笔

亲爱的你,

亲爱的你,

怎么办, 看见如此的你, 泪水会不知不觉地滑落.

亲爱的你,

原谅我的无能为力.

亲爱的你,

我心很疼.

亲爱的你,

不要离我而去.

亲爱的你…………..

dear ah gong - day 24

阿公,

不知不觉您以离去了24天, 生活里没多大的改变, 但内心深处却少了些东西, 多了些遗憾.... 阿公, 原来我没那么的气您, 原来我是如此的尊敬您, 如此的怀念您.. 过年快到了, 想起了您以准备了过年衣, 也如果这一切没发生的话, 您现在应该忙着做年饼了吧.. 写道这, 泪水已不停的滑落, 应为我已好多年没吃您做的饼, 而现在我想吃也没得吃了.... 阿公, 我真的觉得我是个不孝女, 我真的很对不起您, 很想在您面前跪下, 跟您道歉....

心里还有很多很多想对您说的话, 但我真的写不下去了, 鼻子都塞住了..

不孝孙女,
燕笔